Bush Fights Communism with Cholesterol, Speaks About the War in Iran

America, our president never ceases to impress me. According to the UK Times Online, President Bush will be serving Vladimr Putin a tasty cholesterol-rich lobster dinner in hopes of giving the Russian leader a heart attack:

Tomorrow the two leaders will share a lobster dinner with the first President Bush, with whom, Mr Peskov [Putin's spokesperson A.K.A. translator] said, Mr Putin had a “very warm relationship”. The Bush family often go on fishing trips near Kennebunkport and the Russian President “would be delighted” to accompany them.

Killing the Russian "president" with cholesterol is a noble plan, which, if successful, could mark the start of the much-awaited Hot War, a conflict that God has been waiting to join our side on ever since the launch of the Sputnik. According to a White House spokesperson, the "Hot War" would be "similar to the Cold War, except with actual nuclear warfare." Bush is eager to start the war before the lame-duck period in his presidency; he hopes to attain the Guiness World Record for Most Wars Provoked in a Presidency, an honor currently held by President Nixon.

"If we can get Iran before I'm outta here that'll be great," Bush said. "The axis of evil is very determined to hoard our much-deserved oil. We need to lift the veil on Iranian women as well as punish Iran for their involvement in the attacks of September 11th. Stay the course."

Hilton Says She's Never Taken Drugs

During Paris Hilton's tell-all interview with Larry King, the socialite dismissed some very personal rumors, confirming simultaneously that she's not only a bitch, but a liar as well. Take a look at this:

Larry King: Have you ever been addicted to drugs?

Paris Hilton: No.

Larry King: Taken drugs?

Paris Hilton: No.

Larry King: Never taken drugs?

Paris Hilton: No.

I believe this calls for a ROFLcopter.