REV: The Da Vinci Code

It's been a full twenty-four hours since I saw this movie and I still can't believe my eyes. Ron Howard took me on a shocker I couldn't forget, and exposed me to new ideas I just can't get out of my head. In this blockbuster smash-hit adaptation of Dan Brown's bestselling book, we see renowned Harvard university symbologist Robert Langdon (Forrest Gump) and beautiful cryptology agent Sophie Neveu (Amelie) sift through various riddles and circumstances following a chain of events set in motion after Sophie's grandfather Jacques Sauniere, the curator of the Louvre, is found murdered on the floor of the museum. Before I begin to delve into the complicated and superbly-executed plot structure, let me first touch on some of the characterization choices. Ian McKellen, who played the role of Gandalf, was by far the most talented on the screen. I enjoyed the scene in which he beat the albino monk up with his canes. He looked really comfortable with the blocking—almost as if he'd done so all his life. This wouldn't surprise me. McKellen is known for his method acting: he spent weeks bending spoons with his mind before taking on the role of Magneto in Bryan Singer's X-Men. As Sophie Neveu, Amelie's French accent is almost perfect—one can only wonder where the producers managed to find a linguistics coach adept enough to train the actors in commanding the subtle nuances of the language. As Langdon, however, Gump is slightly flat. His performance as Langdon is good, to be sure, but it's a step down from some of his more memorable roles in classics of modern cinema (You've Got Mail, Big). Still, Gump manages to capture the frustration of the character effectively, delivering his lines with wide-open eyes and a brow that's knit with worry a good eighty percent of the film (the other twenty percent he's spitting out awkward dialogue the screenwriter felt needed to be added in order to better please the Langdon/Neveu shippers: ["I never met a girl who knew that much about a cryptex"]). For the most part, though, the story stays true to the novel, with the exception of minor details cut to make room for the rousing family reunion written into the last fifteen minutes of the film. I was a bit confused, however, on why so many members of the Catholic church encouraged the boycott of this film when it had so many religious undertones—the ending of the movie even features the main character kneeling in prayer above the tomb of Christ's wife! Although I'm still not sure what all the fuss was about, I am sure of one thing: speaking on behalf of the 98% of Americans that didn't read the book: The Da Vinci Code is a winner, and I give it four thumbs up (beat that, Ebert). Speaking on behalf of those that did: there's always the sequel.

What is Journalism Coming to?

Okay. So I was sitting in my computer chair, fattened from a recent feast of grilled chicken, corn on the cob, and garlic bread, ready to sift through some recent news stories to find something to blog about, when this little gem jumped out of the Google News page and punched me in the face:

Just look at the title. I nearly spat my coffee all over the monitor. What kind of a story is that supposed to be? Hm, I bet it has a lot to do with the series of best-selling books by author J.K. Rowling. I mean, it has a picture of the actor who plays the title character... surely the article pertains to Harry Potter in some way. Too bad it has nothing to do with Harry Potter, except for the fact that "scientists" said constructing a cloak that works in the same way as Harry Potter's is "possible". You heard me. MAGIC is apparently real. That's what they're saying, according to this article, because Harry Potter's cloak works by MAGIC. It would have been easier if they'd just came out and said they could make the type of wishy-washy particles or whatever it is they need to make things invisible. Instead, they had to link it to Harry Potter. Journalists like whoever wrote this article (I refuse to check lest I throw up on the keyboard) make me so sick. He could have just as easily settled for a more accurate title, like "Invisibility possible, scientists say" or even "Invisibility not just fantasy, research shows". But no. What does he do? He shoves a bazillion-dollar book series into the title, because it draws people in. Ooh, it says "Harry Potter", I BETTER FUCKING CLICK. Harry Potter isn't even wearing the Invisibility Cloak in the picture, for Christ's sakes. Why do I pursue a career in journalism? It's obvious I'll only be working with pricks.

V for Victory

Ooooh, America! I am giddy with glee! One more step against discrimination has been issued from a California court of law on behalf of my people (blogger-Americans), regarding one of my favorite topics: shielding of information!

Take a look!

"In a decision that could set the tone for journalism in the digital age, a California appeals court ruled Friday that bloggers, like traditional reporters, have the right to keep their sources confidential."
- San Francisco Chronicle

ZZZING!

I'm not even going to read past that first paragraph! According that California court, I am on par (I've said it for years) with "traditional reporters". I'll I've got to say is thank God I'm not considered traditional. That sort of mainstream labelling is the type of thing I try to steer as clear of as possible, especially when dealing with my target audience (the greatest nation in the Universe), a practical medley of different cultures where no stereotype can validly encompass a group (except gays, but I count them as Canadians). This type of freedom from speech is a monumental decision: print news is going to be all but eliminated in the coming years, what with the Internet and telescreens, and the like. What we need to do is get a step ahead and start burning books now to fuel our cars—that way we can drive oil prices down while curbing the intellectual deviance of the population!

Gotta go, you guys, FOX News at 9 is on.

Global Warming Threatens Blogosphere

I am outraged. Just recently, the domain name I fought so passionately to secure for America: The Blog was spirited away in a fit of selfishness by (big surprise here) David Collins.

Now, I wouldn't be as upset if Collins had bequeathed the URL to a respectable blogger (Bill O'Reilly, etc.)—but take one look at the guy Collins chose and decide for yourself. The new holder of the domain is "ARAVOSISblog", who curiously seems to have the same layout and premise of AMERICAblog, the object of Collins's relentless complaining on FollowTheLinks. In fact, when you squint, ARAVOSISblog almost looks like it says "AMERICAblog".

Call me old-fashioned, but when too things look alike when I squint my eyes, I can't help but cry plagiarism. Still, I'm not one to jump to conclusions. Doing a little research, we find that AMERICAblog is written and maintained primarily by John Aravosis—and the person behind ARAVOSISblog clearly isn't John.

Now, call me old-fashioned, but when I see a blog with the word "Aravosis" in the title that isn't written by John Aravosis, I can't help but cry libel. Still, I'm not one to jump to conclusions. Doing a little research, we find that ARAVOSISblog is not really a serious blog at all—it's just a harmless parody, engineered by a disgruntled man who has the audacity to dare to question if everything he reads on an "A-list" blog is fact. All he really manages to do, however, is make a fool of himself by being immature. Parody is the second-weakest form of humor, next to sarcasm, neither of which you'll ever find a respectable journalist like me resorting to. I mean, honestly, who parodies things? This is the Internet, people, not Saturday Night Live. I can barely breathe anymore thanks to the likes of ARAVOSISblog—all of the hot air that is constantly emitting itself from sites like these is slowly destroying the ozone layer of truth that surrounds the blogosphere. Pretty soon we'll all be drowning in melted ice caps of lies, corrupted morals, and possibly worst of all, annoying third-party candidates.

Look at what you're doing, Collins. I beg you, don't let humor pass itself off as politics. Stick to the serious stuff—the cold, hard facts. Stick with America: The Blog.

Hiatus

Nation, I'm just writing to let you know I've been taking a break from the blog for a bit. Unlike other bloggers who depend on getting a certain amount of B.S. online each day, this is not my source of income. To tell you the truth, I have no source of income except the quarters I sometimes find on the sidewalk. At any rate, my apologies about the lack of posts as of late—I've been having some issues with my Internet connection. Plus, I'm lazy.

Humble Request

America, it's been a great week. However, I'm feeling a little down—I looked at my traffic statistics the other day and realized I'm not exactly the cat's pajamas as far as visitors are concerned. I know, I know—the blog's only been up a week or so—but if no one reads it now, who will read it in the future? It makes me sad. Writing is my life's passion (next to ping-pong), and I hope to become the most popular blogger in the world. It's a lofty goal, but I think I can do it. One thing I know for certain is I need your support. If you love America: The Blog like I do, there are ways you can show it:

• Build a shrine dedicated to it, take pictures, and e-mail them to me at americatheblog@gmail.com
• Make an iron-on T-shirt emblazoned with a creative ATB logo and wear it six days a week (take a day off on Sundays to look nice for church)
• Leave messages on the answering machines of friends, telling them how great I am

If the above ideas don't appeal to you, you could just simply spread the word and link to me. I'll link you back if you e-mail.*

The html code to put a link on your blog, web page, or (if you must) MySpace can be found in the sidebar on the left. Spread the love (but don't use a condom; the Vatican forbids it).

*Unless you suck.

Kennedy to Undergo Rehab

Rhode Island state representative Patrick Kennedy announced recently that he planned to enter rehab to treat an addiction to prescription pain medication. As soon as the words left his mouth, however, conservative talk radio shows began buzzing like wasps, reaffirming their long-maintained ideology: just because you're a Kennedy, it doesn't mean you're special. The incident that prompted the congressman's decision was the highly publicized car crash in Washington that Kennedy says he doesn't remember. Suuuure, Kennedy. Go ahead. Play the "I-don't-remember" card. Your dishonesty is doing nothing but helping to guarantee your party won't win the elections this fall. Take a look at history. Name one time a politician furthered his campaign by lying. And no, the president doesn't count.

Bottom line: I'm tired of Republicans and Democrats taking cheap shots at one another, hoping to make each other look unfavorable so the public favors their party in coming elections. Why doesn't everybody just take a non-prescription chill pill and do their best to make themselves look good without compromising the reputations of others? Kennedy has a lot of guts to acknowledge and deal with his problem in the public eye. Rhode Island should let his skills as a politician decide whether or not he's re-elected—everyone's got their issues, but not everyone can be a strong leader. (AP Photo/Lauren Victoria Burke)

The Decider

Recently, President Bush referred to himself as "the decider" on the question of Donald Rumsfeld's job as secretary of defense, giving the liberal media elite another opportunity to distort the truth. Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show, poked fun at the president, envisioning him as a super-hero whose power is to decide things. Now, I don't know about you, America, but to me this seems like a low blow. Bush is just trying to do his job, and without deciding things, how can a president lead a nation into war under false pretenses? All Bush wants is what's best for the country. Which country "the country" might be is up for debate. The only thing I'm sure of is this: liberals, progressives, Bush-haters—I have no problem with you or your right to exercise your opinions, but please, find some originality. Following Jon Stewart's coverage on the issue, everyone seems to think it's okay to use phrases like "...but what do you expect, he is the Decider," sarcastically and be shocked when nobody is amused. It's true, Jon Stewart is a funny man, but anything funny that's adopted and repeated over and over quickly makes people look stupid.

Let me add this to my list of incidents in which people cheapen phrases:

1) People who quote Napoleon Dynamite
2) The day eleven people reminded me that they were Rick James (bitch!).
3) People adopting "Git-r-done" as their personal catchphrase, making it even less funny than when Larry the Cable Guy says it.
4) Liberal pseudo-intellectuals and disillusioned Internet bloggers who find it hilarious that the president they spent the last four years of their lives telling people not to vote for (but got re-elected anyway) referred to himself as "the decider", giving them a clever sarcastic remark they can make when his poll numbers fall.

Congratulations, you watch The Daily Show.

One Small Step For Man

America, I have an announcement:

David Collins has handed over the domain name americatheblog.com to me, in a proverbial passing-of-the-torch from one blogger to another. He understands that there is a great deal of importance behind the concept of relevancy when it comes to the Internet. When people type in "www.cake.com", for example, they want to see pictures of delicious pastries. When people type in "www.americatheblog.com", they too want to see pictures of delicious pastries, but more importantly, they want smart, accurate coverage on hot-button and low-key issues in American politics and society—and that's what I pledge to do my best to give. In the words of John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your [blogger] can do for you, but what you can do for your [blogger]."

Stone-cold facts, America. Stone-cold facts.

Blaine to Spend Week Underwater

From the man that brought you "Hanging Above the River Thames in a Glass Box for Forty-Four Days" comes the latest in death-defying stunts—you guessed it, "Living in a Water-Filled Bubble"!

David Blaine, known for his T.V. magic specials and daring stunts, was immersed under water this Monday in a "human-sized goldfish bowl"—on display in the heart of New York City. I read about this on BBC.com:

"Blaine's human aquarium is on full public view, right in the middle of the plaza at New York's Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts."

I don't see why Blaine feels the need to continue to put his life in danger by attempting such hair-raising stunts. He's already proven he's not a wussy—electing to being frozen in a block of ice for two days a few years ago. So why the water? For Blaine, the answer is simple: "As a kid, I was always obsessed with Houdini, who did underwater stunts,"—which roughly translates to something along the lines of "I love attention."

Now, America, rack your brains. A person named David who loves attention. Who else can I think of that fits that description? Hmm.

Oh, yeah. David Collins.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, David Collins comments on your blog about America, tainting it with accusations typed out in a language that, going by context clues, vaguely resembles English. Scroll down, and read what Collins had to say in the comments sections of my previous posts.

Now, America, I could come back with a scathing rebuke, or even a sharp riposte, or—if I were feeling particularly statesmanlike—a fierce rebuttal; but why waste the time? You've read my previous posts, and you know that Collins can't be held responsible for his actions. Me badmouthing Collins is like sentencing a two-year-old to the death penalty. Killing babies is immoral, America. In the same vein, picking on people who don't deserve it is bullying, and in my book, bullying doesn't fly.

It takes the train.

I hate for things to have to come to this, but in this entry, right before I bring things to a close for the evening, I'm going to point out for your convenience exactly when I am not being sarcastic, so that way there is in no way any discrepancy between my serious discussion and my sarcastic diatribe. Everyone on board? Ready? Okay. Go.

This is me being serious: David (can I call you David?), if you're reading this, I want you to know that I am genuinely sorry for what I wrote about you in recent posts. Please, let's put aside our petty differences and accept the fact that we both have to blog together in the same Internet. I was just trying to be funny, having a laugh at your expense. I wasn't being serious, and I have no animosity toward you or toward your blog. In fact, I admire your cause, and I believe that people becoming active in politics is the second step toward improving our country. The first is, obviously, electing me president.

Okay, One More Post

I promise this will be the last post for the day.

After doing a little more clicking around on Collins's blog, I've uncovered even more shocking details:

"The Internet and the Blogs seem to have become the main source of honest news."

It's clear Collins has been visiting this web site. But wait, there's more. In his "more about me and the links I post" section, Collins opens his heart and spills it out of the monitor, all over my new rug.

"I'm not any kind of political pundit. Not by a long shot. I did not even graduate college (though I've done a lot of independent study in many areas of life) ... I can't really call myself the "average citizen" either, because I'm Gay and do not prescribe to what a majority of people call "Christianity"... I've always been different... a kind of a rebel in a sense."

A-HA. That explains it. I can't give this guy grief; he doesn't even have a college education. Collins is avant-garde, innovative, cutting-edge, against-the-grain—a true rebel. Not only does he rebel against the English language with his spelling and grammar, he rebels against society by being gay with a capital G. How can I condescend to such a pitiful, pitiful man? I can't. Collins, accept my deepest apologies. Keep on rebellin', buddy! Now give me the domain name.

Collins Update: Shocking News

http://www.followthelinks.com/2006/05/my-favorite-stephen-colbert-white.html

Less than twenty-four hours after I posted "America: the Domain Name", citing americatheblog.com domain name holder David Collins's weblog "Follow the Links" as just a collection of links with brief commentary, he threw me for a loop: posting the shocker seen above. Take a look, folks. Click the link above to read David's favorite Stephen Colbert quotes from the White House correspondent's dinner.

Wait.

This list of quotes isn't Collins's original thoughts and ideas. They're Stephen Colbert's. Crafty.

Collins himself finishes the long list with this insightful comment:

"hmmm. well, that's just about the whole speech."

Not only is Collins a talented writer—he has an impeccably keen eye for detail.

Props.

A note to my devoted readers: soon I will be setting up a PayPal account, allowing you to donate online to contribute to my efforts to buy Americatheblog.com from David Collins. With your support, we can make a difference.

A Little Clarification

A few of you may have noticed that in my last post, I used the phrase "I got your back". This is, of course, grammatically incorrect, and I am happy to report that I am the first person to point it out. In actuality, it was used in context: I was addressing those remarks to our good friend David Collins, and in order to appear friendly and informal, I used colloquialism. The reason I'm bringing this up is simple: people love to point out other people's mistakes. It makes them feel good about themselves. I should know. Pointing out other people's mistakes is a hobby of mine. Not that I'm an asshole—I just have chronic low self-esteem, and being wrong upsets me. Please remember that the next time you feel like raising a question about a factual error, generality, or complete lie on my part. I cried for a week when I misspelled "empanada" in a sixth-grade spelling bee—a Spanish word, referring to a small, savory pie cooked in Mexico or Latin America. Now, I don't pretend to be Hispanic, but if my sources are correct, "empanada" is not pronounced "EM-PIN-YAH-TUH". That would be "empiñata". I guess it didn't help that the woman calling out the words had lived her entire life underground, away from all Hispanic culture, leaving her to grow up believing that all Spanish words must rhyme with "piñata".

I win again. It didn't even take me two paragraphs.

Moving on. For those of you who don't know, today is May 1st, better known as May Day or International Worker's Day. It's the 120th anniversary of the Haymarket riot of Chicago in 1886. Man, that's a long time ago. I barely remember what happened that day, but one thing's for sure—it can't have been good. It was probably Clinton who made it a holiday. He seems like just the type to celebrate a riot. One can only hope that this May Day, under the careful guidance and moral wisdom of President Bush, no one gets hurt.

Reminding you to stay safe,
Chris

If you have any questions, please feel free to mail them to my new email address: americatheblog@gmail.com